Wednesday, November 2

clarifications and authenticity

Be forewarned....this is a deep dive into my brain and heart.  Don't feel bad if you want to skip this and go onto other topics.

To prevent the spam and TL:DR, I have linked the rest of this lengthy post behind the cut.

A very good friend of mine sent me a note recently, expressing concern for my recent entries.  One of the traps of the written word is that without outside vetting, there can be some miscommunication as the author knows what they said even if the words convey something else entirely.  Another thing I have learned over the years is that for every person who voices a concern, there are at least 5 who are thinking something similar but not saying anything.  With that as background, lemmie 'splain.

For the better part of 7 years, I have been in a relationship with a sweet, wonderful and loving young man.  As all relationships do, we have had ups and downs over the years and we grew apart over the past year and a half while he took care of his Dad back east.  When he returned, we decided that he should live on his own so he could grow and mature as an individual.  This further precipitated our growing apart.  About two weeks ago, we got together and spent the day.  During that time, we talked a lot about each of us as well as 'us' and we both decided it was best that we should look towards NOT getting back together as a couple, but find folks who are more in tune with where we are and are going.  In truth, it was more of an acknowledgment of the facts on the ground than anything else and I am quick to point out that he and I are still friends and have full intentions to stay that way (not unlike I have with my ex-wife).

We still have feelings for each other and still care about each other, but to continue in the vein we have been would be less than truthful and would be damaging to both of us.  Also, this is something which I have seen as a possibility for a long time and really desired to avoid, but there it is.  As I processed this, I realised that the whole experience is one of catharsis (a word I detest in its modern usage).  Catharsis means 'purging' and if you were ever forced to take castor oil as a child, you know that a purgative is not something you want, even if you need it.  Yet, recognizing the need for that medicine, especially when it's not desired, is what I was alluding to both here and here.

If there is but one thing that I may give thanks about how I have been made (and, in truth, there are many), it would be my unusual manner of acceptance of loss and grief management.  In short, the pain and convulsions are over mercifully quickly and the acceptance of what is, rather than dwelling on what was happens at a pace which can be startling to even me.  Combine that process with the hard deadline of Halloween to resolve a position (do you really want to carry this another year or do you want to bury it tonight?) and the formalized cleansing that is attendant to that evening and there is an efficacious method of emptying the cup.

That leads me to where I am now.  You really don't notice how heavy your load is until you set it down.  You don't really know how dark the closet is until you come Out.  Things are better and they keep getting better. There is still a bit of transition to deal with, but I can feel in my bones that this is where things are supposed to be and I trust that Dad, in all his coyote wisdom, has my best interests at heart. 

Thanks be to God.

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